New Year, Old Me

I’m not big on New Year resolutions because I feel that change should come with experience and reflection, and not the arrival of a new date. Life should be lived in moments, and not years. I believe one should really dig deep into their core and find out what makes them unhappy or incomplete and fix it with patience instead of a due date. With all that said, I’m considering making an exception to that perspective this year!
A lot happened in my life in 2014 . On an emotional level, I think it was a turning point for me. I strongly felt every emotion in the book last year, all for valid reasons. Joy, loneliness, pride, sadness, love, fear, you name it. But among all these feelings I think I have been missing self-satisfaction.
Sometimes I feel that I might lose myself in the craziness that is my life nowadays. Naturally, we all change when we become parents. I think it’s impossible not to. But my fear for several months has been that living away from my support system will eventually lead to me becoming an introverted zombie. I worry that being home all day, all night with the never ending duties of motherhood will create a habit of self-neglect and perpetuate the low self-image that developed when I was pregnant.
Let me elaborate. During my second pregnancy there were weeks where I felt like I was flirting with prenatal depression, which in turn created a fear that I may be at risk for postpartum depression. All this only made me feel disappointed in my unusual lack of strength. And then I questioned if this was the beginning of a new person. A person who doubts herself, internalizes feelings, and has low self esteem.
Looking back, I know that I was a hormonal hot mess and I’m happy to report that the deeper feelings of sadness and low self-image are gone (largely thanks to my fantastic husband). But every now and then I catch myself feeling dissatisfied with the way I look, my lifestyle, and doubting that managing my kids will get easier.
Thus I’ve decided to join the New Year’s Resolution bandwagon and make a promise to myself. Instead of adopting the “new year, new me” motto, I’m going for “new year, old me“. I’m going to do everything I can to reconnect with the person I was pre-motherhood. I liked that person! She was funny and goal-oriented. She was a huge proponent of “me time”. Nothing life threw her way was a burden, just momentary challenges. So this is what I resolve to do in 2015: achieve mental and emotional peace by cutting myself slack. Maybe I’ll find myself a hobby, read a bestseller, or paint my nails more often. I’ll start with the small things for now and eventually, I’ll work towards conquering a mountain or two.